falling forward as she walks toward the light...

So.... my best friend is leaving tomorrow. normally writing helps, but, being in the state I'm in now, i dont think that it will. Anyway, she's leaving tomorrow at like, 7AM, and I am dreading it, to say the least. She's pretty much been my strength. She's been there as i let things, and people, go. She's been around to remind me what i'm fighting for, and, shes just been my goofy as heck, best friend. Im going to miss her like CRAZY. she doesnt have normal breaks like all the other college students, because she's in so much stuff. i think mostly choir is what takes up most of her time. Anyway yeah, this sucks, and im not feeling any better. the end.

Letting go...

Recently my message has been to just let go, so, i have been letting go, a lot. Its hurting much more than i thought it would this time. I've let go of a former love, three friends, and now I'm about to let go of my real friend, but in a different aspect. She's just going back to college, still, there goes my source of strength. I'm just, so confused. Why would God ask me to let go of everything and everyone, when, now I'm just more down. I don't completely get how that works, but then again, who is able to get how God works?

: /

Alright, so let me start this out with saying this : this summer has been the best summer ever, regardless of anything that's been going on. I've been in a great home, with some great people, and with my best friend. It has also been full of a lot of good memories with a whole lot of fun.
However, i am extremely worried about it ending, obviously every good season has to have an end, its just going to be hard without my friend Britt. She's been my strength in every way. She pushes me forward, yet holds me back. She holds my hand through the fire in life, yet brings joy when there seems to be none around. And most of all, she reminds me daily of what really matters in this life, God. Shes only going to school, it really shouldn't be this hard, but i know I'm going to cry like a little baby when she leaves. My relationship with God shouldn't change, no matter who is in my life, the only way it would change is if it got better. Its just going to be really hard without her, so i guess i just had to write it down, because my old friends will definitely come around much more because they know she's not going to be around soon to slap sense into me. So.... i guess ill see how strong i have gotten over this short time.

Still Quitting

Today is only day two in a row that i have "quit smoking." It's one of those things that i just see myself going back to time and time again. I am just going to keep myself going this time. I dont want to see myself fail again. The last time i "quit" smoking was when i was pregnant with Skyler. I quit for nine months or so, and then one night my little month old daughter would not stop crying. So i went out, and had a cigarette, and felt like failure all over again. So, I went inside, changed my clothes ( so Skyler didnt breathe anything in) and thought about if i should even start again after nine months of quitting. At that time i didn't want to start but my every once in a while cigarette turned into my every morning cigarette, which turned into my every hour cigarette. So now again i look at my life, and look at my child, and i just want to actually quit. The addiction doesnt last long, its when the stress hits that i have to figure out something productive to do instead of smoking.

The Rollercoaster ( on the light side)

My friends....they are...insane. Well, insane is actually a very good word for them but i love my friends to death. I never really thought i would be losing them this quickly though. Sometimes i feel like my head is spinning so fast from all the constant drama, and then other days life is so easy. Maybe that's the way its supposed to be, i don't know, but i don't like it. Some of my friends stopped talking to me altogether because i don't party every night with them like i used to. I guess i was just the good "drinking buddy" to them. First of all, i never ever ever wanted to be the crazy drinker, but really never wanted to just be the "drinking buddy". I'm okay with drinking every so often, as long as Sky is taken care of and i don't have to come home that night, but every single night? No way, I'm a mother. Sorry lovely friends, i have a thing called responsibility now. They don't understand it, but you know, oh well.

Its not them I'm too terribly upset about losing. Its the ones that have been there for so long, and now feel like i don't have time for them. Okay, i know how it feels to just want to hang out with someone, and it seems they have time for EVERYTHING else, but you. So, i would get how that would hurt. But its just like, again, okay, i have a child now. I cant hang out every day, i cant be on the phone every second of the day, and I'm sorry but, a one year old does demand most of my attention. It sucks that they think I'm just "too busy", it really does. Mostly because i do nothing but take care of her every day like a good mother does, and i would like to go out sometimes, but i cant. So, that's that.

Then there is the guy thing. Why is it that every guy is not good for me? I just want to find one good guy out there. It seems like all the good guys are just taken, or non existent. Or too young. I think the worst part of this is that i do have a baby, and no guy wants to take on that kind of responsibility. This is a whole different ball park though that I'm so not wanting to type out.


The bible says that God will not give you more than you can handle, so I'm hoping everything calms down at least a little soon, because this is all becoming too much for me to handle. The things i write here are sooooo minor with some of the things I'm actually dealing with. But the little things i do write on here are contributing to everything. When i ask for advice its usually "pray about it". Well, I've prayed about it. What now?

exhaustion...

So, i think i know what being exhausted really means. For the past couple of nights skyler is either going to bed at one AM or going to be at around nine and waking up in the middle of the night. Shes getting those molars in. I think stress is knocking my health away quickly to the point that i think i need a vacation. I wanted to get away from things for a while and still might, but i dont know that i should because then i will have gotten used to being stress free for a couple of days, and when i get back it will be hell. At least when i went to Toris house last night she let me sleep until 12. 12! yes, that was very awesome. Running around with a baby is difficult when your being knocked around by other things. But Skyler is still by far the greatest person in my life, and im still very thankful for her. Now, i do believe i will be an old lady and go to sleep at 11:30

Being the last option is much worse than being the rebound

Matthew Euber. Before I start this out I have to state that Matt is not a bad guy. He really isn't. In fact he is very funny, charming, and knows how to be the sweet guy, the one every girl wants. Matt however has a few things that i could not handle. For one, he is a HUGE drinker. I've never met anyone in my life that drinks SOOO much. Drinking on occasion isn't a huge deal to me, but every day and night is just too much for me to handle. The drunken Matt tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me ( this wouldn't be bad if i had hung out with him/talked to him more than a few times a week.) The sober Matt wants to take things slow, and progress to dating, and is the gentleman that i know and adore. However lately he had only been (for the lack of a better word) clingy. He is constantly calling me ( like eight times in a row) and wanting me to come stay the night at his house ( as if i don't know what that means) I feel bad because i did like him and was going to date him, only now i have a daughter to look after and know that he isn't what she needs as a father figure if things got more serious between him and i. It seems the only reason Matt wants to date me in the first place is because he cannot find a girl to have a family with and i am the last resort. That is something that i just wouldn't do. I think i may have the most terrible luck when it comes to picking out a guy. I don't know what to think about all of this...

Jet Skiing

So, today was the perfect day. Being out on a jet ski with my best friend, and her family was the most awesome thing in the world. First of all, jet skiing is the definition of absolute freedom. Secondly, being on a jet ski with your best friend is absolute freedom and joy. And finally, spending all day at the beach with your daughter and a remarkable family is the most wonderful thing in the entire world. I can't even begin to describe how great my day was today. I took lots of pictures, had lots of smiles and laughs, and well, its about to be a peaceful night. God has just blessed me beyond all reason, and has yet again reminded me that He still cares, and that I'm being taken care of. My feelings are indescribable....... I just need to remember that these days come and go, and so do the horrible ones I don't think i'll make it through. Life is so short, love the time you have, and make it worth while. Do things you wouldn't normally do, laugh more, cry less, and try to look at the bright side of life. That is what I have learned, and today I didn't have to try to enjoy it, it came so easy.

My Crazy Life...

I am officially moved in....

Alright, so i moved in on May 15th. So, the first four nights were TERRIBLE!!! Skyler would not stay asleep through the night at all. She would go to bed around midnight, wake up at three, go back down at four, wake back up at five, and be up for the day at six. It. was. terrible. And on top of that she was SUPER clingy. She did NOT want to be put down AT ALL. This wouldn't have been too bad if i were used to it, what I'm used to is Skyler going to bed at 9:30 and waking up at 10:00. and taking her naps at 12:00 and 4:00. So both of us were off.

Thankfully Skyler has been sleeping through the night for the past two nights. I have never been so happy for sleep, because lately Ive been a walking zombie. Things are calming down, and what has kept me sane is my friend Britt. She's been here for me any time i have needed her, and I'm very blessed to have such a completely awesome friend. :D

There has been so much drama with my other friends that I'm not even going to go into because its just too much to write, and too much to think about this late at night. ( this used to be early a few weeks ago) I'm hoping things get better because these two friends are very important to me regardless of what they are doing without even realizing it. My family is seeming happier right now, I'm not sure because i don't live there anymore, but they seem happier.

So, that's the story.....We'll see how things go in about two weeks. I'm pretty sure ill have more to go through , but ill still have God, and my friend to help me through it.

Not much, but yet, so much

Okay, so moving day is like, a second and a half away. I'm really hoping that I'm making the right decision. I still have a lot, and I'm trying to trust in God. This may very well be the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

Mothers Day :)

So, this mothers day was really the best mothers day ever. I spent a whole lot of time with my family, smiled for every picture ( even though i hate getting my picture taken) and just had the best day. Today life was treating me very well. I am SO blessed to have such a great family. They really are amazing. My mom and I were talking about Skyler being born, and how much she has grown, which led to many similar conversations. I love my mom with everything in me, yes, things get tough, but that doesn't lessen the love i have for her. This mothers day had me reflecting on the past year with Skyler. She is such a good baby,( even when she is being defiant.) , shes very smart ( lets hope she uses that in her teenage years), very lovable, and most of all, shes mine. I cant imagine life without her. Yes, being a mom is some hard work, but I wouldn't trade her for this whole world. Today was definitely a day that i wish could go on forever, but sadly it has come to an end with this blog. I hope every mother out there has had this good of a day.

And so the time has come...

The time to make real decisions are here, and God help me. I'm no good at making decisions. The decision to stay where I'm going to be moving, the decision to keep the friends i have in my life, all sorts of decisions are right there, just screaming in my face. Life is getting more complicated, somehow it's always some sort of drama. I hope that it gets better, and fast. Life is also being good to me at the same time. My little girl is getting bigger every day, saying more, smiling more, and I'm loving every second of being a mother. The issue is that now i do have her to look after. She cant say "mommy i want to live her, this is better for me." That's my best example. I'm don't waiting for my knight and shining armor, its fairly obvious he isn't real. I'm just going to concentrate on Skyler, and where I'm going in life (school, job, house...) Life is just a bunch of choices. lIFe. the word "if" is never going to go away. So i hope that God can help me make the right choices this time around.

Packing, and moving on.

Alright, so this week has been full of doing laundry, packing, and thinking. Packing i think is the hardest to do, because the more i pack, the more empty the room is, and the more I'm starting to wonder if I'm really doing the right thing. And as i pack, i start thinking....just thinking about my life, what I'm doing right, and what I'm doing wrong. Wondering if the church I'm at now is really the right church for me....Thinking about what friends are actually friends to me. Its just a whole big mess, but after this move, I'm hoping things will clear up. My family is still having a rough time with having their house being broken into, and my sister being pregnant. I'm not out there enough to really know all the details. I wish that some of my friends would actually listen to me when i talk, maybe it would save some headaches, and disappointment. The love I'm supposed to be falling out of is only getting deeper dispite my best intentions. Sometimes i wish i can just press pause on life, and take a look at whats going on, and think out what i should do. But the one thing i cannot stop is time, though it would by lovely if i could. I still have a lot to think about, and a lot to do. But as of right now, I'm just trying to go each day remembering that life is more then what I'm looking at right now, and I'm trying to see the big picture in everything.

My Little Brother. : D

Well, my baby brother is turning 20 soon. I don't believe it. I think he should still be seven years old, at the oldest. My little brother has been my friend/enemy since the beginning of time. When my mom brought him home, I hated him because i was no longer the baby. But as time has progressed my brother and I have such a good relationship. He's looked up to me for a long time, and I've been trying to be a good role model to my little googles. We have some really funny stories growing us, some we're still telling my parents. I could never wish for a better brother. No matter how old he gets, he will still be my little bro-ham. Ill always try to carry him on my back, or throw him around a bit, because I'm his big sister, and that's how it is. I hope that i can lead him the right way through my actions and the things that i say. I never realized how much i impacted his life, until he started quoting me, ( thank God it was the good quotes ) dressing like me, wanting to listen to the same music as i did, and doing the same things i did. I used my life as a -do not- for him, i know this, and so does he. I always told him if he ever started smoking his asthma would be so bad he wouldn't be able to breathe and would die. Yeah, i know I'm mean, but he hasn't touched a cigarette. And as he got older he knew i was obviously lying to him, but knew it was because i was putting fear there so he would never get tempted to do it. Anything else that he shouldn't do i told him would cause him bodily harm, or that i would cause it myself. Im very protective of him, and i always will be. So this one is for my Greg-a-loog. The best little brother in the whole world.

What's up?

People ask you whats up? and what is a normal response to "whats up?" nothing. I realize that every single day when i say "nothing" i want to say " a hell of a lot of something." So, since I'm hoping no one really reads this, i will answer the question to "whats up" Well, i was doing awesome for a while in my walk with God. I mean, i was praying on a daily basis, and reading my bible. Everything was going good, then everything started going bad. Like, seriously, every time my walk with God is good, everything else goes to hell. I thought everything was going to work out with school and all that, when now its seeming impossible again. And to make a long story short, i feel like I'm going into that dark hole again. The one that seems impossible to crawl out of. I feel like I'm just hanging on for dear life so i don't fall in, but I'm losing my grip. I wonder if anyone else even has this problem. It seems to me that every ones life is just so dang peachy around me. And I wish them well, its just that, i really wish there was just one day with no drama. I'm getting back into the things i was in before, and i just don't want that with my life. I have a daughter now. Someone who looks up to me with those tiny, beautiful blue eyes. And i live for that little smile every single day. I don't know whats going on, but hey, that's whats up.

Venting...

So, my sister is having a girl. Not only is my sister having a girl, but she's having his girl. I was the one that talked her into keeping this baby, and that is something i will never regret, that is my niece (which i guessed :) ) but the point is, that she might get back with this air head of a guy. I mean, my family has a restraining order against him, he's done so much to my sister i wouldn't even write it online....and yet, for some unknown reason, she still wants to go back to him. I just don't understand. And, she doesn't know if shes going to give the baby his last name. okay, this makes me want to slap my sister, i love her soooo much, but, shes being a buffoon. she really is. You would think that after everything she would leave the guy. But at least she is having her little baby girl, and her little sister is going to be there to help her every step of the way.

Love

Love, it's everything. Love is why people even exist today. I feel like i should be writing about this, because lately I've been wondering if God would be so kind as to take it away from my heart. I have to say, the love for my daughter is unbelievable, and that i wouldn't trade. But without love in my heart, i would never have a broken heart, i would never hate anyone, be angry. And yet, if i were without love, i would never know the joys of it. Sometimes the people you love the most, also hurt you the worst. It's something i have been thinking about lately....I'm really thankful that God loves me so much, although i wonder how many times i have hurt him. I know that Skyler is going to do things in life that won't make me very happy, yet i will always love her... but that's a mothers love. So that would be the reason God never gives up on us, we're his children, and his love is unconditional. Well, I don't have much else to say about this, but all i can say is I'm glad i have the capability to love, even though sometimes it hurts.

Motherhood

So, I never thought I would be a mother at a young age (semi young age) and especially an unwed mother. Though being a single mother has been difficult, I can never regret it. My life is full of happiness, worry, and a whole lot of love. I'm just reflecting on everything over the past year, pregnancy, and watching my little girl grow. Today she was in a car accident ( don't worry she it totally fine) But she was with my friend Tori, and someone ran into Tori's car door. Sooo...someone called me and the conversation began with "Are you Skyler's mother?" ( I thought it was someone from the church i now attend) So i say "Yeah, whats up?" Then all i hear is something about a car accident, and ambulance and the tears started with a whole lot of panic. I had to slow down, and listen to hear that she was okay, and that an ambulance was called to check her better. That was the most panic I have ever had. Worry also comes with looking at her, and thinking to myself "Am i going to be a good mother?" "How is she going to be as a teenager?" "What am I going to do when she does make mistakes?"

On the other hand though, joy comes with motherhood. complete joy. Looking at her when she was first born, I felt such love for her, and it has just grown watching her grow up. Every smile and every laugh i cherish. When she does something like spill a bunch of Cheerios all over the bed, i just don't know whether to laugh or get angry. Most times i laugh it off, other times i get exasperated. Being a mother is full of all sorts of emotions, even sadness and happiness at the same time. Like when she started to walk, i was so incredibly proud of her, but so unhappy at the same time, because that's my baby growing up.

I have to say i cant imagine life without my daughter, she makes my life so perfect and so worth living. I love her with all my heart, and maybe one day i can have another baby. But there are complications physically and emotionally with that. Maybe one day, and if not i will be perfectly content with having my little Skyler Anne.

New Adventures

Today I went to this career day at school and am very happy I went. I wasn't going to go, but I just went for some unknown reason. So I have decided i'm probably going to be an EMT and a firefighter. School is taken care of, and for an EMT i have only one semester of college, and for a firefighter it takes a little more school, and some training, but thats who i am. I love to do things like that, i never wanted to be at a desk job. Im very excited for it, i cant even express it.

Also, for another unknown reason, Jacob, the father of my child, is starting to be active in Skylers life. Tomorrow Skyler and I are going to his house to visit him. Maybe he is actually wanting to become a father to Skyler, I really hope so. All i really wanted from him was to be Skylers daddy, I never wanted him to just ignore my little baby girl, no child should have to go through the hurt of having the father ignore them. Its ignorant. So, im holding my breath, crossing my fingers, and praying to God that this is whats going on, and not something totally twisted.


And finally, i feel happy. If only for tonight, its like complete assurance. Ill be happy with what i have, even if none of this works out, i may be a bit upset, but i will still be happy with what i have, and work with whatever life throws at me. ( or whips at my head, like it has been lately ) : )

Life

Life is just about perfect with my daughter around. I need to move her into a better home though, we cant stay here, everyone is so critical around here. The saying "Life is what you make it" is true to an extent. I see a strong person, when everything imaginable is going wrong, yet somehow they find the good. Although i see me when i see someone in the same situation, and just can't find a way to be happier. As it is now, Skyler pulls me through the toughest times in my life. I just quit my job, I have a friend right now that is having a really hard time with her life ( it's complicated), and right now I'm just going through some things emotionally. Yet when i try to see the better ( I do have my beautiful daughter, i will be moving shortly, i can still see my friend, and most importantly God never gives up on me ) i get a little bit of hope, and some energy to push on. When all the struggle of now is over, things will be better. And it will make me stronger for the next struggle I'm going to have to face. Life is tough, but God is good.

You cant see the way i feel, you never can. But there is One who does.

this one is for my friends. my real ones

Since I do realize how much i really do have, i figured i would write on the one thing that keeps me going in life, my real friends.

Honestly, i have many friends, but real ones are so hard to come by. Right now i have three (four counting my former teacher) keeping me going. They are the most amazing people i have ever met. They tell me the truth, even when it hurts, as opposed to some of my other friends that will let me do the wrong thing because they know its what i want to hear. There is really nothing wrong with my other friends, but really they see me at my bad times, normally its because they want me to drink, they love their drinking buddy. i have many of those. I'm not saying that drinking is 100% bad, but i will say that i dont want to be drinking my entire life. Its just a waste of life. My real friends know that, and keep me thinking about the important things. They keep me laughing, keep my head up when things are just going really wrong. Basically they're there all the time. Good or bad. Right or wrong. I just have to thank God for those types of friends in my life, because i couldn't do it without them.

a little bit of nothing and everything.

I figure since no one really looks at these, i might as well say how i feel. I'm thinking that this is a good thing, as it will save some people my complaining. : )

Well, I was in school today, and i was outside smoking ( stressed to the max about everything) and some girl comes out and asks me for my lighter. so yeah i give it to her. Then some guy comes out and asks for a cigarette, then a lighter. and i give him one too. pointless, but it starts a conversation, and well, because i can never seem to keep my opinions to myself, i left them alone with their cigarettes and my lighter, i figured if it was really that hard to be in college, they needed it more than i did. So, here is what it all basically boiled down to. The two college kids were complaining to me about their classes, and how much work they have to do, and how it's stupid. Which ended up with me saying, did your parents pay for the classes? Is this where you wanted to go? and then, well then don't complain, at least you can go to college. And, finish your classes, you two are very lucky. So i gave them my lighter, and a couple more cigarettes, and left. It also taught me a lesson, never complain about the thing in your life that you do have, because regardless, there are people out there who wish they could have what you have.

To whom it may concern

I know why none of my friends do not understand that the days of my constant drinking and hanging out every waking second are over. Most of my friends want me to be the old me, and, love it when temptation rises, which is usually on a pretty bad day. I would like them to know that i am now a mother, and don't want to do that to my child. I'm not even going to lie and say i never go out and drink, because yes, sometimes i do. Again, its normally when i am unhappy with my life. I so don't want to be the "awesome drinking buddy" anymore. When i was it wasn't legal, and now that it is i don't want to be. It sounds pretty messed up to me, but that's how it is. Maybe i really shouldn't have those friends in my life if they cant accept that ( as a certain someone -Brittany- points out on a daily basis.) I'm still a kid at heart, and probably always will be, but in some ways i really do have to grow up, for my daughter. And to whom it may concern, I'm sorry, but I'm not 16-18 year old Sara anymore.

My first post, to my Skyler Anne

This is Skyler Anne. This is my daughter, she is the reason for my every breath, my every smile, and the reason there is sunshine in my world. So as i start this, ( i figured i may like it) I will start it about my baby girl. Her name very unique ( though it gets very annoying when people spell it SkylAr, yes i spelled it the boy way i guess, learn it. that's her name. Skyler, with an E, please.) Well, i had one of my many ultrasounds done, and i was just looking at her little peanut picture, wondering about how she would look like. And that day the weather was perfect. The sky was really perfectly blue that day, and so i thought to myself, if her eyes are blue, i will name her Skyler. And well, when she was born, behold, blue eyes. I didn't know at the time that her birth stone is also blue. So, Skyler's color to me is blue. I really hope she likes it when she is older. Before I named her Skyler she was going to be named Julianna, for my mom, Julie Anne. And, that is how she got her middle name, Anne. She has my last name, because her daddy isn't around right now. Maybe he will be someday, but if not, then Skyler and I will be happy together just fine. Right now she's a walking, talking, hyperactive little girl. I love her with everything that I have. I didn't think it was possible for me to love someone so much. But she is perfection, one very little, beautiful, perfect, person. She makes me always want to better my life. I will always do anything, sacrifice anything, for my daughter. And no matter what, i will always love her. And that's all I'm going to say tonight.