Packing, and moving on.

Alright, so this week has been full of doing laundry, packing, and thinking. Packing i think is the hardest to do, because the more i pack, the more empty the room is, and the more I'm starting to wonder if I'm really doing the right thing. And as i pack, i start thinking....just thinking about my life, what I'm doing right, and what I'm doing wrong. Wondering if the church I'm at now is really the right church for me....Thinking about what friends are actually friends to me. Its just a whole big mess, but after this move, I'm hoping things will clear up. My family is still having a rough time with having their house being broken into, and my sister being pregnant. I'm not out there enough to really know all the details. I wish that some of my friends would actually listen to me when i talk, maybe it would save some headaches, and disappointment. The love I'm supposed to be falling out of is only getting deeper dispite my best intentions. Sometimes i wish i can just press pause on life, and take a look at whats going on, and think out what i should do. But the one thing i cannot stop is time, though it would by lovely if i could. I still have a lot to think about, and a lot to do. But as of right now, I'm just trying to go each day remembering that life is more then what I'm looking at right now, and I'm trying to see the big picture in everything.

My Little Brother. : D

Well, my baby brother is turning 20 soon. I don't believe it. I think he should still be seven years old, at the oldest. My little brother has been my friend/enemy since the beginning of time. When my mom brought him home, I hated him because i was no longer the baby. But as time has progressed my brother and I have such a good relationship. He's looked up to me for a long time, and I've been trying to be a good role model to my little googles. We have some really funny stories growing us, some we're still telling my parents. I could never wish for a better brother. No matter how old he gets, he will still be my little bro-ham. Ill always try to carry him on my back, or throw him around a bit, because I'm his big sister, and that's how it is. I hope that i can lead him the right way through my actions and the things that i say. I never realized how much i impacted his life, until he started quoting me, ( thank God it was the good quotes ) dressing like me, wanting to listen to the same music as i did, and doing the same things i did. I used my life as a -do not- for him, i know this, and so does he. I always told him if he ever started smoking his asthma would be so bad he wouldn't be able to breathe and would die. Yeah, i know I'm mean, but he hasn't touched a cigarette. And as he got older he knew i was obviously lying to him, but knew it was because i was putting fear there so he would never get tempted to do it. Anything else that he shouldn't do i told him would cause him bodily harm, or that i would cause it myself. Im very protective of him, and i always will be. So this one is for my Greg-a-loog. The best little brother in the whole world.

What's up?

People ask you whats up? and what is a normal response to "whats up?" nothing. I realize that every single day when i say "nothing" i want to say " a hell of a lot of something." So, since I'm hoping no one really reads this, i will answer the question to "whats up" Well, i was doing awesome for a while in my walk with God. I mean, i was praying on a daily basis, and reading my bible. Everything was going good, then everything started going bad. Like, seriously, every time my walk with God is good, everything else goes to hell. I thought everything was going to work out with school and all that, when now its seeming impossible again. And to make a long story short, i feel like I'm going into that dark hole again. The one that seems impossible to crawl out of. I feel like I'm just hanging on for dear life so i don't fall in, but I'm losing my grip. I wonder if anyone else even has this problem. It seems to me that every ones life is just so dang peachy around me. And I wish them well, its just that, i really wish there was just one day with no drama. I'm getting back into the things i was in before, and i just don't want that with my life. I have a daughter now. Someone who looks up to me with those tiny, beautiful blue eyes. And i live for that little smile every single day. I don't know whats going on, but hey, that's whats up.

Venting...

So, my sister is having a girl. Not only is my sister having a girl, but she's having his girl. I was the one that talked her into keeping this baby, and that is something i will never regret, that is my niece (which i guessed :) ) but the point is, that she might get back with this air head of a guy. I mean, my family has a restraining order against him, he's done so much to my sister i wouldn't even write it online....and yet, for some unknown reason, she still wants to go back to him. I just don't understand. And, she doesn't know if shes going to give the baby his last name. okay, this makes me want to slap my sister, i love her soooo much, but, shes being a buffoon. she really is. You would think that after everything she would leave the guy. But at least she is having her little baby girl, and her little sister is going to be there to help her every step of the way.

Love

Love, it's everything. Love is why people even exist today. I feel like i should be writing about this, because lately I've been wondering if God would be so kind as to take it away from my heart. I have to say, the love for my daughter is unbelievable, and that i wouldn't trade. But without love in my heart, i would never have a broken heart, i would never hate anyone, be angry. And yet, if i were without love, i would never know the joys of it. Sometimes the people you love the most, also hurt you the worst. It's something i have been thinking about lately....I'm really thankful that God loves me so much, although i wonder how many times i have hurt him. I know that Skyler is going to do things in life that won't make me very happy, yet i will always love her... but that's a mothers love. So that would be the reason God never gives up on us, we're his children, and his love is unconditional. Well, I don't have much else to say about this, but all i can say is I'm glad i have the capability to love, even though sometimes it hurts.

Motherhood

So, I never thought I would be a mother at a young age (semi young age) and especially an unwed mother. Though being a single mother has been difficult, I can never regret it. My life is full of happiness, worry, and a whole lot of love. I'm just reflecting on everything over the past year, pregnancy, and watching my little girl grow. Today she was in a car accident ( don't worry she it totally fine) But she was with my friend Tori, and someone ran into Tori's car door. Sooo...someone called me and the conversation began with "Are you Skyler's mother?" ( I thought it was someone from the church i now attend) So i say "Yeah, whats up?" Then all i hear is something about a car accident, and ambulance and the tears started with a whole lot of panic. I had to slow down, and listen to hear that she was okay, and that an ambulance was called to check her better. That was the most panic I have ever had. Worry also comes with looking at her, and thinking to myself "Am i going to be a good mother?" "How is she going to be as a teenager?" "What am I going to do when she does make mistakes?"

On the other hand though, joy comes with motherhood. complete joy. Looking at her when she was first born, I felt such love for her, and it has just grown watching her grow up. Every smile and every laugh i cherish. When she does something like spill a bunch of Cheerios all over the bed, i just don't know whether to laugh or get angry. Most times i laugh it off, other times i get exasperated. Being a mother is full of all sorts of emotions, even sadness and happiness at the same time. Like when she started to walk, i was so incredibly proud of her, but so unhappy at the same time, because that's my baby growing up.

I have to say i cant imagine life without my daughter, she makes my life so perfect and so worth living. I love her with all my heart, and maybe one day i can have another baby. But there are complications physically and emotionally with that. Maybe one day, and if not i will be perfectly content with having my little Skyler Anne.

New Adventures

Today I went to this career day at school and am very happy I went. I wasn't going to go, but I just went for some unknown reason. So I have decided i'm probably going to be an EMT and a firefighter. School is taken care of, and for an EMT i have only one semester of college, and for a firefighter it takes a little more school, and some training, but thats who i am. I love to do things like that, i never wanted to be at a desk job. Im very excited for it, i cant even express it.

Also, for another unknown reason, Jacob, the father of my child, is starting to be active in Skylers life. Tomorrow Skyler and I are going to his house to visit him. Maybe he is actually wanting to become a father to Skyler, I really hope so. All i really wanted from him was to be Skylers daddy, I never wanted him to just ignore my little baby girl, no child should have to go through the hurt of having the father ignore them. Its ignorant. So, im holding my breath, crossing my fingers, and praying to God that this is whats going on, and not something totally twisted.


And finally, i feel happy. If only for tonight, its like complete assurance. Ill be happy with what i have, even if none of this works out, i may be a bit upset, but i will still be happy with what i have, and work with whatever life throws at me. ( or whips at my head, like it has been lately ) : )

Life

Life is just about perfect with my daughter around. I need to move her into a better home though, we cant stay here, everyone is so critical around here. The saying "Life is what you make it" is true to an extent. I see a strong person, when everything imaginable is going wrong, yet somehow they find the good. Although i see me when i see someone in the same situation, and just can't find a way to be happier. As it is now, Skyler pulls me through the toughest times in my life. I just quit my job, I have a friend right now that is having a really hard time with her life ( it's complicated), and right now I'm just going through some things emotionally. Yet when i try to see the better ( I do have my beautiful daughter, i will be moving shortly, i can still see my friend, and most importantly God never gives up on me ) i get a little bit of hope, and some energy to push on. When all the struggle of now is over, things will be better. And it will make me stronger for the next struggle I'm going to have to face. Life is tough, but God is good.

You cant see the way i feel, you never can. But there is One who does.

this one is for my friends. my real ones

Since I do realize how much i really do have, i figured i would write on the one thing that keeps me going in life, my real friends.

Honestly, i have many friends, but real ones are so hard to come by. Right now i have three (four counting my former teacher) keeping me going. They are the most amazing people i have ever met. They tell me the truth, even when it hurts, as opposed to some of my other friends that will let me do the wrong thing because they know its what i want to hear. There is really nothing wrong with my other friends, but really they see me at my bad times, normally its because they want me to drink, they love their drinking buddy. i have many of those. I'm not saying that drinking is 100% bad, but i will say that i dont want to be drinking my entire life. Its just a waste of life. My real friends know that, and keep me thinking about the important things. They keep me laughing, keep my head up when things are just going really wrong. Basically they're there all the time. Good or bad. Right or wrong. I just have to thank God for those types of friends in my life, because i couldn't do it without them.

a little bit of nothing and everything.

I figure since no one really looks at these, i might as well say how i feel. I'm thinking that this is a good thing, as it will save some people my complaining. : )

Well, I was in school today, and i was outside smoking ( stressed to the max about everything) and some girl comes out and asks me for my lighter. so yeah i give it to her. Then some guy comes out and asks for a cigarette, then a lighter. and i give him one too. pointless, but it starts a conversation, and well, because i can never seem to keep my opinions to myself, i left them alone with their cigarettes and my lighter, i figured if it was really that hard to be in college, they needed it more than i did. So, here is what it all basically boiled down to. The two college kids were complaining to me about their classes, and how much work they have to do, and how it's stupid. Which ended up with me saying, did your parents pay for the classes? Is this where you wanted to go? and then, well then don't complain, at least you can go to college. And, finish your classes, you two are very lucky. So i gave them my lighter, and a couple more cigarettes, and left. It also taught me a lesson, never complain about the thing in your life that you do have, because regardless, there are people out there who wish they could have what you have.

To whom it may concern

I know why none of my friends do not understand that the days of my constant drinking and hanging out every waking second are over. Most of my friends want me to be the old me, and, love it when temptation rises, which is usually on a pretty bad day. I would like them to know that i am now a mother, and don't want to do that to my child. I'm not even going to lie and say i never go out and drink, because yes, sometimes i do. Again, its normally when i am unhappy with my life. I so don't want to be the "awesome drinking buddy" anymore. When i was it wasn't legal, and now that it is i don't want to be. It sounds pretty messed up to me, but that's how it is. Maybe i really shouldn't have those friends in my life if they cant accept that ( as a certain someone -Brittany- points out on a daily basis.) I'm still a kid at heart, and probably always will be, but in some ways i really do have to grow up, for my daughter. And to whom it may concern, I'm sorry, but I'm not 16-18 year old Sara anymore.

My first post, to my Skyler Anne

This is Skyler Anne. This is my daughter, she is the reason for my every breath, my every smile, and the reason there is sunshine in my world. So as i start this, ( i figured i may like it) I will start it about my baby girl. Her name very unique ( though it gets very annoying when people spell it SkylAr, yes i spelled it the boy way i guess, learn it. that's her name. Skyler, with an E, please.) Well, i had one of my many ultrasounds done, and i was just looking at her little peanut picture, wondering about how she would look like. And that day the weather was perfect. The sky was really perfectly blue that day, and so i thought to myself, if her eyes are blue, i will name her Skyler. And well, when she was born, behold, blue eyes. I didn't know at the time that her birth stone is also blue. So, Skyler's color to me is blue. I really hope she likes it when she is older. Before I named her Skyler she was going to be named Julianna, for my mom, Julie Anne. And, that is how she got her middle name, Anne. She has my last name, because her daddy isn't around right now. Maybe he will be someday, but if not, then Skyler and I will be happy together just fine. Right now she's a walking, talking, hyperactive little girl. I love her with everything that I have. I didn't think it was possible for me to love someone so much. But she is perfection, one very little, beautiful, perfect, person. She makes me always want to better my life. I will always do anything, sacrifice anything, for my daughter. And no matter what, i will always love her. And that's all I'm going to say tonight.