Still Quitting

Today is only day two in a row that i have "quit smoking." It's one of those things that i just see myself going back to time and time again. I am just going to keep myself going this time. I dont want to see myself fail again. The last time i "quit" smoking was when i was pregnant with Skyler. I quit for nine months or so, and then one night my little month old daughter would not stop crying. So i went out, and had a cigarette, and felt like failure all over again. So, I went inside, changed my clothes ( so Skyler didnt breathe anything in) and thought about if i should even start again after nine months of quitting. At that time i didn't want to start but my every once in a while cigarette turned into my every morning cigarette, which turned into my every hour cigarette. So now again i look at my life, and look at my child, and i just want to actually quit. The addiction doesnt last long, its when the stress hits that i have to figure out something productive to do instead of smoking.

The Rollercoaster ( on the light side)

My friends....they are...insane. Well, insane is actually a very good word for them but i love my friends to death. I never really thought i would be losing them this quickly though. Sometimes i feel like my head is spinning so fast from all the constant drama, and then other days life is so easy. Maybe that's the way its supposed to be, i don't know, but i don't like it. Some of my friends stopped talking to me altogether because i don't party every night with them like i used to. I guess i was just the good "drinking buddy" to them. First of all, i never ever ever wanted to be the crazy drinker, but really never wanted to just be the "drinking buddy". I'm okay with drinking every so often, as long as Sky is taken care of and i don't have to come home that night, but every single night? No way, I'm a mother. Sorry lovely friends, i have a thing called responsibility now. They don't understand it, but you know, oh well.

Its not them I'm too terribly upset about losing. Its the ones that have been there for so long, and now feel like i don't have time for them. Okay, i know how it feels to just want to hang out with someone, and it seems they have time for EVERYTHING else, but you. So, i would get how that would hurt. But its just like, again, okay, i have a child now. I cant hang out every day, i cant be on the phone every second of the day, and I'm sorry but, a one year old does demand most of my attention. It sucks that they think I'm just "too busy", it really does. Mostly because i do nothing but take care of her every day like a good mother does, and i would like to go out sometimes, but i cant. So, that's that.

Then there is the guy thing. Why is it that every guy is not good for me? I just want to find one good guy out there. It seems like all the good guys are just taken, or non existent. Or too young. I think the worst part of this is that i do have a baby, and no guy wants to take on that kind of responsibility. This is a whole different ball park though that I'm so not wanting to type out.


The bible says that God will not give you more than you can handle, so I'm hoping everything calms down at least a little soon, because this is all becoming too much for me to handle. The things i write here are sooooo minor with some of the things I'm actually dealing with. But the little things i do write on here are contributing to everything. When i ask for advice its usually "pray about it". Well, I've prayed about it. What now?

exhaustion...

So, i think i know what being exhausted really means. For the past couple of nights skyler is either going to bed at one AM or going to be at around nine and waking up in the middle of the night. Shes getting those molars in. I think stress is knocking my health away quickly to the point that i think i need a vacation. I wanted to get away from things for a while and still might, but i dont know that i should because then i will have gotten used to being stress free for a couple of days, and when i get back it will be hell. At least when i went to Toris house last night she let me sleep until 12. 12! yes, that was very awesome. Running around with a baby is difficult when your being knocked around by other things. But Skyler is still by far the greatest person in my life, and im still very thankful for her. Now, i do believe i will be an old lady and go to sleep at 11:30